a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
