I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
