I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
