If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
