just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
