So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
