I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you would pick up someone in the library
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
