im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
