All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
