When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
