threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
