I will die if light touches me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
