Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
