I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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