Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize