I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize