Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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