This is not my ceiling
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
