i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
