Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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