So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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