I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
