You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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