You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
