Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
