those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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