You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize