As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
