How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize