At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize