FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize