we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Randomize
