there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
