Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
