Sry I called you an 8
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
