He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
