i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Mom said you looked used
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize