my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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