The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
