Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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