So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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