I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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