You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
