It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
