Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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