apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
