i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
