eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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