Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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