This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
