Non-Jews are for practice
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
