My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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