his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
