I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
