we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
