those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I believe in your delicious
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
