Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize