i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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